Man these past few days have been awesome. Surfing, fishing, trying in vain to hit on ladies in remedial spanish. Smoking pot in my hostel lobby while swinging in a hammock and drinking cold fortys. Made some new friends with Isaac; his buddies Chongo, Daniel, and plenty I can't remember. A surfer and a lawyer taught me how to smoke my green in the leaves of an almond tree, which I would do every night. Most chill. But I haven't seen a pair of jigglys in quite a while. So I ask Isaac if he knows where we can get a drink and see some lovely lady lumps.
Oh yea, he knows.
First we stop over at a no cover bar and pregame with a 2 liter of beer. A TWO LITER OF BEER! I'm served a giant bottle of Corona that could have been used as a murder weapon. Yea, let me just put a lime wedge in that. Splitting it up into regular mugs, we salud, and down the brew.
Now I don't really drink that much anymore. Partly because my liver looks like swiss cheese at the ripe age of 23, and partly because I get a little, shall we say... rowdy. But I can still handle myself as long as I'm not doing blow.
"Hey Isaac, you know where we can get some blow?"
Ten minutes later we're doing bumps in the baño. Now the blow in Mexico is about 593475983746 times better than it is state side. Dios mio. My eyes are stretched out of my head. You know what we need? Strippers. Mexican strippers. Back in the barrios, me and my muchacho are entering into the seediest, dirtiest strip clup that ever existed.
Immediately, a slag comes up to me and starts speaking spanish, which I do not understand. But she points to here jigglypuffs and I just say, "si". Next thing I know she is bare chested and my hands are flicking her nipples like I'm playing pacman. This blows my mind, stateside I have been banned from several bars for getting handsy. Here, I'm motorboating this girl like the coast guard. Until she sees my wallet. She literally grabs my wallet, flicks it open, and looks for come cash. Jokes on her though, I'm broke as an ethiopian peasant. Pissed off for the free action, she struts off to do her dance of shame.
Whatever babe, I got my blow. More bumps. Then I see another girl out of the corner of my eye. About six feet away is a cute girl with another guy. Wait, what's he doing? Is that his- OH GOD IT IS! This guy is right beside me boobie banging a stripper right in the middle of the club. Back and forth, jiggle jiggle. I can't help but watch in a combination of horror, disgust, and intrigue. Wow he is really into it. Doesn't even care that me and everyone else is watching. Ok, time to get out of the line of fire. Isaac and I break a few bottles, I don't know why, and dip.
This is where the night ended, but when we woke up it was night again and the party was still in us. Today though is Cinco de Mayo. Not an actual holiday in Mexico, but not gonna stop us. We meet up with Chongo and the others at a bar in a popular part of town.
Yes, with blow and towers of beer. Chug and bump, baby. We're having an awesome time. There's a sexy dance contest where you dance around a girl. My friends, I have hips that move like Shakira. It's both scary and impressive. I enter the contest and basically molest a latin girl with my package in her face, mentally scarring her for life. In fact, I do it so well that my shiny white ass wins the contest. The prize? A big ass 1.75 liter bottle of bacardi rum. Hard liquor. No way this can go bad.
Now going through hard liquor and nearly pure cocaine, we're partying like rock stars. I end up dancing with a tranny. Things just happen, ok!? Photos on my facebook. Still though it's a great time. The DJ switches up to some harder music and we start up a mosh pit. We're running around like morons and I excuse myself to the bathroom for a whiz and a bump. That's when things went horribly wrong.
I was in the bathroom for two minutes and this is what I've been able to piece together.
The mosh pit gets out of hand. Two guys go to slam Isaac, he ducks and they slam into each other. Pissed off, one of the guys slugs Isaac.
This man does not realize the mistake he's made.
Isaac, without missing a beat, starts punching him repeatedly in the face. The other guy takes a swing at my amigo, but is then on the wrong side of Isaacs coke rage. So Isaac starts choking him until he's unconcious while the first guy starts punching the back of Isaacs head.
Meanwhile in the bathroom: "God damn beer runs right through me. I've been pissing for nearly a minute straight. Jeez, I wish I had timed this."
Isaac is choking one guy while swinging at the other guy until the bouncers finally through everyone out. Walking out of the bathroom I look for my friends. "Umm... Guys? Where'd ya go?" I walk out side where Isaac; black, blue, and bloody, tells me to run home. Which I do without hesitation.
The next day, we decide that maybe we've partied enough, and tone it down. A few days later, we're saying our good byes, remeniscing about the crazy times and I'm off to Guatemala.
However, things we're about to go very, very wrong...
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